Hide Your Crazy

Do you ever have days where certain songs just break your heart, but in a good way? Today is one of those days. I was getting dinner ready to go in the crockpot, listening to Miranda Lambert on Alexa (on a side note – does anyone else find themselves forgetting her name or calling her ‘Alexis’ and getting so mad when she doesn’t respond?! Only me?) Anyways, Miranda has always been one of my favorites. Her lyrics are raw, from the heart and so often touch my soul in ways that only music can.

My mom had even commented many years ago that her song ‘Mama’s Broken Heart’ reminded her of me. I’ll give you a lyric example ‘Hide your crazy and start acting like a lady…’ Which I can totally see pertaining to me. Only those that know me best have seen the crazy – but it’s in there and God forbid you’re around when it comes out!

This morning the song Dead Flowers came on and the lyric: “I’m drivin’ through a hurricane and all he can say is ‘man ain’t it such a nice day?’” just took my breath away. This is exactly what living with anxiety feels like and what I’VE been feeling like recently. I had to sit down and give myself some grace to just feel. Anxiety is like a storm, and one that comes out of nowhere, like a tornado dropping out of a cloudless sky.

I recently started attending MOPS at a local church and our message last week was about having people you can say ‘I’m not OK’ to. This is tricky. You can’t just walk up to the grocery store clerk and announce ‘Hey I’m NOT ok, but thanks for asking how my day is going!’ Can you imagine the response?! No, this was about friends or family you feel comfortable saying ‘You know what, no things aren’t ok right now.’

As most of you know, I live a LONG way from my immediate family. Like almost the entire United States separates us now after this most recent move. Going home to visit used to be a simple flight, but now with a busy 2 year old, flying alone with him just isn’t in the cards anytime soon. Some days I get so homesick my heart aches. It’s not a feeling everyone understands, but it’s deep and it’s all consuming.

My grandparents are older and not doing well health wise. They are living in assisted living and their home (which was my sister and my’s second home after my parents’ divorce) is being put up for sale. While the rational part of my brain knows this is the best financial decision, the sentimental part is having a rough time. I remember sleepovers with my grandma, watching old black and white movies and eating banana splits, going into my grandpa’s shop to explore whatever project he was working on at that time and playing for hours in the hot tub and swimming pool. The smell of his workshop is something I wish I could bottle up and save. There’s nothing like it. I know this is part of life, growing up, and growing old but this is one time I’m feeling brave enough to say ‘No, I’m not ok.’

I’ll leave you with one more Miranda lyric – since she seems to be on repeat today on Alexis, I mean Alexa – ‘What doesn’t kill you, only makes you blonder.’ So today, I’ll take my anxiety and have faith that it will all be Ok. Sometimes just saying it’s not, is all it takes.

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